S A T I R E

After being accused of multiple counts of sexual assault, Rep. Eric Swalwell issued a fierce denial today, insisting that he never assaulted any of the Chinese spies he slept with.

Swalwell … described all of his relationships with Chinese intelligence agents as “totally consensual.”

“You can ask anyone in the Chinese intelligence community,” said Swalwell. “They will all tell you that I never assaulted one single spy that I slept with. I am deeply hurt and and angered by these malicious accusations.”

[The congressman insisted that his time] serving our nation on the Congressional Intelligence Committee was marked by nothing but loving, consensual relationships with Chinese spies.”

[To be perfectly clear], “I gave them access to whatever files they asked for. That’s it. Everything was one-hundred-percent voluntary and mutually agreed upon.”

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  ‘Deeply hurt’ Swalwell clarifies: All relations with Chinese spies were ‘loving’, not abusive