S A T I R E

As a spike of higher temperatures prepared to sweep across the United States this week, scientists were torn on whether to blame the heat wave on climate change, Donald Trump, or white supremacy.

Though arguments were made within the scientific community on the legitimacy of each cause, no consensus had been reached. ….

“We’re really stumped here,” said Professor Blake Rumsey, lead scientist at The Center for Determining Causes of Things. “This heat wave must have a source, and under normal circumstances, we can trace it back to one definitive origin. ….

Reports from behind the scenes indicated the international team of highly esteemed scientists was wary of placing the blame on Trump and risking being accused of abandoning the crusade against climate change or being branded as racists who didn’t care that white supremacy was destroying the world. “It’s a no-win situation,” Rumsey explained. [As presidential elections near, a draft statement concludes] that the heat wave was caused by climate change, which was caused by white supremacy, for which Donald Trump was solely to blame.

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