S A T I R E

President Trump announced on Monday that his administration had officially entered into ceasefire talks with the Democrats.

[The unexpected prospect of peacefully ending the most intractable of the “endless wars” that he campaigned against] raised the president’s spirits.

“I’m hoping they’ll stop trying to kill me,” he said. “It would make my presidency run a lot smoother if I could just be alive.”

According to White House officials, Trump sent a delegation that included Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Vice President JD Vance to personally negotiate a ceasefire with Democrats. Rubio would reportedly be taking the lead in negotiations, while JD Vance would stand in the back looking menacing throughout the meetings.

“I think we’re very close to a deal,” Trump said. “I think we’re going to have a deal that is beneficial to everybody. I don’t get killed, and maybe they don’t look like evil psychopaths. I don’t really know what they want, that’s why it’s called negotiations. We’ll see.”

[Meanwhile, following] yet another failed assassination attempt against President Trump, leading Democrats across the nation announced they would observe the long-standing tradition of a five-minute pause in calling Trump “literally Hitler”.

“This is a time for healing, reflection, and lowering the temperature. Specifically, five minutes’ time,” said Representative Hakeem Jeffries.

…. Well, with that behind us, I think can we now all agree that Trump is a dangerous fascist who should be stopped by any means necessary,” said Jeffries. “To be clear, for legal reasons, I am not explicitly saying he should be assassinated. I’m just saying he’s actually Adolf Hitler and someone should stop him.”

[One silver lining in the cloud of anguish that the long-awaited White House Correspondents Dinner (the ultimate social dopamine rush for worthy D.C. elites) had been canceled was that the latest would-be Trump assassin was not a White soy boy.] Progressives across the United States applauded the steadily improving diversity of would-be Trump assassins.

With many liberals concerned over the lack of minority representation among people trying to assassinate Trump, Democrats breathed a sigh of relief after learning that the latest failed assassin was black.

“For too long, the would-be Trump killer space has been dominated by white men,” said local liberal Jamie Gallagher. “Today was a long-overdue step forward in assassin representation. It’s really encouraging to see people from different ethnic backgrounds engage in political violence. I just hope it helps little kids know that their skin color and sexual orientation do not have to hold them back from trying to kill Donald Trump.”

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